At a loss

What does a person do when nothing in life is really fun anymore?

When the things that you supposedly enjoy the most are unappealing.

What do you do when you loose all enthusiasm to live?

When you feel worthless and unmotivated.

What do you do when you've lost your passion?

When there is nothing that really pulls at the deep chords in your soul.

What do you say when you never feel like talking?

What are your excuses for not being yourself?

What do you do when all you want to do is curl into a ball and forget you exist?

When it seems like the biggest effort just to get out of bed.

How do you keep living when you don't feel like doing it anymore?

I don't know...

sadness and peace

My heart is soft and tender

It is delicate and fragile

It is exposed and vulnerable

I long for safety

I long for security

I want to know I can trust again

Can I?

My mind is weak...tired of being strong

My thoughts are poison

They are taking over my reason and sanity

The poison overwhelms me

I am helpless...a slave to their torment

The poison is killing me

Can I save myself?

My body, once so strong, is being destroyed

It is my body...I should be able to care for it!

I can barely get out of bed.

It hurts to walk

It feels like a chore to move.

I want to curl up and die.

My body is foreign to me

My body is not mine

Wednesday part 2

I am poison

I am tasteless and toxic

Unnoticed, unappreciated, and deadly

I am an addiction

I destroy what is good.

I am decieving

but I do not hide.

Good things subdue my presence

but I am still strong.

I have no antidote

I will kill you...and you want me to

I am your flavor of death

and you never noticed I was there.

Wednesday part 1

I wake up...what hurt me doesn't seem real.

I go back to sleep...it becomes more real that I ever knew it was.

I wake up...I am hurting.

The physical and emotional pain brings sobbing that will not fully come.

I am caught between reality and a dream.

I am stuck between life and bondage.

I am trapped and I don't know what to do.

Am I creating this? Is this my own doing?

tuesday part 3

I am so angry...it is a red boiling poison that is oozing through my veins.

I want to hurt someone...break something.

I need to scream but sounds cannot escape me.

I am raging, rabid and hungry to destroy.

I want to pass on my pain.

I don't deserve this.

I deserve a good life and good things.

Not this shit hand I've been dealt.

I hate myself and I hate what's happened.

I need help......I need help!

I can no longer help myself.

But I will not be a burden...

I will not destroy anyone else.

I will bottle up my pain and throw it away....hoping it will leave and not return to me.

And if it does, I will throw it out again.

I am so angry...

I am so hurt...

I feel so abandoned.

Tuesday part 2

I am dead and I am still dying.

How can this be?

When will my suffering end?

When will I find peace?

Chaos rules my life.

Sadness is my most faithful companion.

What is true....What is real?

Where am I? I have lost myself.

What is going on?

I am in a cage that is bound tight with locks.

The cage is in a dungeon.

It's so dark...

I can't cry...I can't speak...

I am lifeless, emotionless.

I don't even have an enemy to talk to.

I am stuck and abandoned.

There is nothing I can do to save myself.

I wish to die, but I can't...

tuesday

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the sky got dark for me;

If tears rained down from the heavens to cleanse the parts of my life that will be eternally unclean.

What if the sun came out to rejoice in my joys and successes, but then retreated when the dark sadness that owns me came lurking back.

What if the clouds came to blanket my heart like a soft pillow.

What if the stars sparkled in attempt to make me smile.

What if the night got quiet to gift me with silence so maybe I could silence my soul's cry to mean something.

If all this was the case...would I notice? Would I care? Would I feel better?

The thunder roars and the lightning cracks like the battle sounds in my head...I wish to be struck down and rendered speechless.

I don't want to think anymore. I want to be numb...I want feeling to leave my body.